Who we are determines what our purpose in life is. Right? Not necessarily. It can just as easily work the other way – our purpose can define our identity.
Making Life Matter: Advice from the Founder of Positive Psychology
In the summer of 2018, I had an opportunity to attend the International Positive Education Network’s conference. While there, I met Professor Martin Seligman, father of positive psychology. (Sharing the picture here. Yes, I am a Marty Groupie!)
We talked about Discovering My Purpose and he had a few words of advice for me. (To say that I was blown away is an understatement!) Professor Seligman talked about how our sense of who we are has become too cerebral. He argued that who we are is directly tied to what we do. We all want a sense that our lives matter and an understanding of how we contribute to the world.
Professor Bill Damon, another thought leader and Director of Stanford’s Center for Adolescence, states, “The biggest problem growing up today is not stress; it is meaninglessness.”
This struggle with meaninglessness extends beyond youth. Only 20 – 25% of adults report that they live lives of meaning.
Identity & Purpose: How They Relate
Identity refers to who a person is likely to become while purpose refers to what one hopes to achieve (Kendall Cotton Bronk, 2011). The ideal is for purpose and identity to develop together during the teen years.
If we are at a later stage in life and we haven’t fully connected with our true self, does that mean that we have missed the boat? Is our identity set in concrete? No. Just as we can rewire our brains (as we talked about a couple of weeks ago), we can remake who we are.
An incredibly powerful concept called Self-Perception Theory was studied by Cornell professor, Daryl Bem. When we see someone stop to help a woman pick up her dropped groceries, our brains our wired to make an assumption that they are kind or helpful. Right? Here is what’s cool. When we help that woman with her dropped groceries? Our brain sends us a message that we are kind and helpful. That’s self-perception theory in action.
That’s the proof - what we do informs how we see ourselves. Our purpose helps define our identity.
The Complexity of Identity
Identity fulfills two critical roles for us – it provides us with an understanding of how we show up in the world and it provides us with a sense of belonging.
There are many, many ways to slice and dice identity. At times we identify ourselves by our family, ethnicity, nationality, religion, race, gender, class, culture, or profession. And of course, there are all of the groups we feel part of – where we went to school, the sports teams we love (Go Heels!), the hobbies that light us up, and more. And as this article discusses, how we contribute to the world has a huge impact on our identity.
All of these different elements are constantly in motion, exerting varying levels of influence on us. These change depending on a variety of factors including our phase of life and whether we are assuming our professional persona or our personal persona.
The False Self
Ok, we have all of these different elements churning within us to inform our identity. What else affects who we become? All of the voices and influences outside of us. What our family and friends tell us we should do. How society tells us to act in order to be seen as strong, desirable, or smart.
Add these things together and you can see how things get really messy and confusing. If we can’t understand who we are from within, the outside voices often rule the day.
Or maybe we did have a sense of who we are and life sent us messages that this wasn’t ok. As we were growing up maybe the things that sparked our curiosity didn’t line up with our family’s values or culture. We loved to read, while our family was all about sports. Or we were drawn to making things with our hands and our family had a tradition of putting out lawyers.
When the true self feels weak, overwhelmed or inadequate, we may create a false sense of self. This is the self that follows the crowd or goes with the flow. It is the self that keeps us safe, sitting at the edge of the party, even though there is nothing more that we love than dancing.
Belonging vs Fitting In
Brene Brown, researcher and professor at University of Houston, has a new documentary on Netflix called "the Call to Courage." As humans we are hardwired to seek belonging (which is one of our identity drivers, right?) Here's what's really interesting, shared in her words.
"The opposite of belonging from the research is fitting in. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating. Here's what I should say, be. Here's what I shouldn't say. Here's what I should avoid talking about. Here's what I should dress like, look like. That's fitting in.
"Belonging is belonging to yourself first. Speaking your truth. Telling your story. And never betraying yourself for other people. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are."
I invite you to keep this clear in your head - belonging vs fitting in. They are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Belonging is where the true self thrives. Fitting in is what fuels the false self.
The Danger: A Confusion of Self
As Dr. Tian Dayton, clinical psychologist shares, “The real danger lies not in creating a mask or false self, we all do that somewhat. The danger lies in mistaking the false or idealized self for the true self.” When this happens, the true self can be suffocated or lost.
How do you know when you have created a false self? Here’s a list of things to watch for.
- You feel adrift. You float from thing to thing, without direction.
- What you are doing - work, school, whatever - doesn’t light you up.
- You look outside of yourself to judge whether you are doing ok, rather than taking stock within.
- It doesn’t feel like your actions are in alignment with your values.
- Life feels flat or hard. It’s rare that you experience a sense of flow.
Here is the story of two teens and how their sense of purpose (or lack of it) impacts their identity.
Identity Fueled by Purpose: When Things Go Right
Let’s talk about Jane, a student who volunteers at a local animal shelter through a school requirement. As she puts in her hours, she finds the work meaningful and comes to realize that her purpose in life is to protect and nurture animals.
Her purpose then begins to define her identity. She sees herself as kind and giving, because her actions at the shelter are kind and giving. Jane develops a better sense of who she is (a future student of veterinary science) and that grounds her. Her anxiety decreases.
Her school work becomes more relevant to her, because Jane now has a sense of where she is going in life. Her motivation to study increases and her grades improve.
When Things Stall
Now let’s talk about John, a friend of Jane’s. John’s allergic to animals, so he decided to get his volunteer hours by helping with a community clean up. He felt good about helping out, but it wasn’t meaningful to him.
Like most of his peers, John doesn’t know what his purpose is. Not only doesn’t he have a sense of what he wants to do, he doesn’t really know who he is. This leaves him feeling anxious and uncertain.
John wants to be a good student – both to please his parents and because he knows that grades are important. But he struggles with his self-discipline to get his work done. His studies feel like busy work, with no tie to his future. His friends sometimes encourage him to do things he is uncomfortable with, but it is hard for him to say no.
Purpose Helps Youth Thrive
Professor William Damon describes a majority of our youth as “adrift.” Multiple studies have shown that only around 25% of young people have a sense of purpose in their lives.
According to psychologist Eric Erikson, youth who don’t figure out who they are during their teen years suffer. Adolescents who define their identity have a greater capacity for well-being and are more stable.
Discovering purpose appears to help teens resolve identity “crises” by offering them meaningful goals toward which they can direct their time, energy and effort (Burrow and Hill 2011). One of the biggest benefits of identifying purpose during adolescence? It helps smooth the transition to adulthood.
At Any Stage, Connecting to Our Authentic Life
In Pursuit of Purpose, our positive psychology class, is focused on helping people live lives of meaning. We do this through a multi-stage process - learning about who we are, what we love to do, and what we are good at. As students hone in on this knowledge, we dig deeper, shifting into action and execution. As part of this, we help students hone in on what their authentic version of success is.
We will talk more about success in the future. There's a lot of juicy stuff to dig into there. Know for now that society defines it pretty simply. Work more. Earn more. Buy more. And studies have shown that this is not a recipe for happiness.
At the heart of it, here's my wish for you: that you mindfully work to align your true self, your purpose and what success means to you. What these things add up to? Your authentic life.
You living your authentic life? That's a triple win. Joyful for you. Amazing for your friends and family (who get to soak up your happiness by proximity and learn as you model how to live a purposeful life). And a gift to the world, which needs more people living their passion.
Here is to you living authentically.
Discovering My Purpose is a nonprofit organization that serves youth and can help through its programs and support. Want to stay in touch? Subscribe to our blog!